Mother's Work · Motherhood · Parenting · Toddlers

If I had to write my own job description…

…it would go something like this:

Activities:
Answer a million questions per day to the best of your knowledge, but at a toddler’s intellectual level; try to save “I don’t know” for only the toughest ones (don’t get lazy!).
Count to 1 or 2, but if necessary be prepared to count to 3 and follow it up with appropriate disciplinary action; be sure to use realistically executable threats (“…or you’ll never play again!” is probably not going to garner results).
Employ variations of “he/she has it right now, you’ll have to wait your turn” in soft and firm voices, in public and in private settings.
Exterminate whining.
Follow a set daily schedule, as any variations or unexpected transitions may cause upheaval.
Avoid emotional entanglement when your subjects refuse food, water, or bathroom breaks.
Move a small crowd of little people from one place to another; be prepared to make only slow progress.
Utilize “if – then” statements frequently; the simpler, the better.
Become an expert in the full spectrum of conflict resolution: gentle persuasion, mediation, arbitration, negotiation, hostage situations, hostile takeovers, and, most importantly, surrenders.

Requirements:
High tolerance for hearing the plea “mommy?” repeatedly;
Split-second decision making;
Superhero amounts of patience;
Willingness to endure episodes of Barney, Elmo, and Yo Gabba Gabba as necessary;
High tolerance for random irrationality;
Acceptance of eventual hearing loss;
Personal hygiene a low priority;
No attachment to earth’s time/space continuum;
Some air traffic control or rampie (ramp agent – the guys with the batons) experience would be beneficial.

Compensation:
A regular salary of out-of-the-blue hugs, kisses, and I-love-yous with a tears-of-joy bonus plan;
Countlessmy cup runneth over” moments;
A work environment filled with humor, spontaneity, and creativity;
Surprise raises several times a year upon reaching developmental milestones;
Endless pride in seeing your human capital charges flourish and grow into beautiful little citizens;
Increasing paid time off that can reach as many as seven hours a day after six years;
The promise of family-provided retirement care.

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